I can’t concentrate on much today, so I may as well write. As has been my intention with this blog, writing is a means of contemplation and relaxation. What I like most about writing this blog is that I put no pressure on myself as I write - I don’t try to craft perfect sentences, though I do correct the obvious typos. Freewriting is meant to be quick and decisive; writing this blog has definitely improved my ability to write quickly on the computer.

I also have gotten better at writing about and thinking about my musical practice, spending a bunch of posts contemplating the direction and quality of my practice. I’m the kind of person who needs to mull something over in order to figure out what I truly think or feel about it. It’s important, too, to pay attention to my feelings as well as my thoughts since I have too often in the past disregarded my feelings about things.

In this post-divorce life I want to be able to live in a way that doesn’t compromise my needs and emotions. This is my life to live without compromise - marriage had a whole series of compromises wrapped up in the other stuff…the good stuff. There was a lot I liked about being married to VJ, but there was also a lot that didn’t sit right with me. I think, as time went along, I just relented to her demands as a way of avoiding friction. That’s no healthy way to live a life. From here on out I am going to live according to my rules, and if a partner can’t deal with it then she can fuck off.

But enough about my feelings - or, rather, I don’t really want to talk about my feelings, I just want to write. Let me move on to a different topic. Let me write some more about my musical practice.

At some point I would like to get back to reading Schoenberg’s Theory of Harmony, doing his recommended exercises as I was doing for a short while some time ago. Ideally I wouldn’t take any shortcuts, writing exercises in multiple key signatures and time signatures. I should also be able to play all the exercises at the piano, even if just crudely. I did spend a lot of effort, at one point, on becoming a composer, and I have just seen it drop off. I’m actually very proud of what I was able to accomplish as a composer, so ultimately I would like to resurrect that aspect of my musical practice.

For now, though, I need to concentrate on becoming a better guitarist. Along the way, as I was engrossing myself in composition, I really sort of gave up on the guitar. This is a source of embarrassment for me when I am around other musicians. In fact, the best composers I have met were also virtuosic players of some instrument. I need to strive to be a better guitar player before I can re-commit myself to composition.

And as a composer, I need to be able to rehearse and record my music. My biggest obstacle to being a musician is my own reluctance to make connections with other people. Or, rather, I am not reluctant so much as I am anxious about connections with people. There is something about the everyday connections people around me are able to make that I just don’t seem to get. As a composer, though, it would help if I had finished pieces I could show around to different musicians. When I finally do get a tenure-track job I can make a connection with the music department and see if I can get some musicians to play with.

If only…