Writing this blog is therapy for me. I guess that’s why I want to write more just a short time after finishing my last post. I don’t have anything particular to say, but I’m feeling some anxiety around money and the impending divorce so I thought I would put down some thoughts.

And now my head is empty. Or, rather, my thoughts are so many and so jumbled that I really can’t think straight. Let me see if I can freewrite my way out of this funk.

Blah blah, I don’t know what to write. The purpose of freewriting is to figure out what it is I think about a particular subject, but when I have no subject other than freewriting, the way forward can be difficult. Of course, the answer is to just keep moving. But movement also implies that I have somewhere to go. Currently I have nowhere to go.

I’m angry with VJ because she won’t speak with me, but paradoxically she won’t speak to me because I am angry. I don’t know any way out of this because I don’t like to hide my feelings. One of the things that exasperates me the most about VJ is that she pretends to be calm, yet bad-mouths me to others. I don’t know how she doesn’t see this as dishonest. When I have a problem with someone I speak directly to that person. I may yell or use profanity, but I don’t walk about pretending I am not angry. VJ’s passive aggressiveness feels dishonest to me, and that dishonesty drives me to distraction. But she won’t listen, and she won’t respond to me, at least not in a way that satisfies me.

In the end I will need to let go of my anger, but I have no mechanism for resolving it. I wish I could set up my punching bag. That would help a lot. I need some kind of cathartic fix. Swearing feels good in the moment, but I usually regret it later.

This is getting me nowhere. Let me post this and write more later.