weird news

I just read an article in the NY Times about polyamorous couples. The article gave me the creeps, thinking how awful it would be, given the way that I feel, to be a part of one of these relationships. Nobody in the article sounds all that secure to me, though that seems to be the main point the writer is trying to get across - the sense of security these couples feel. And really, should we be talking about them as couples still?

I’m not sure why I feel so creeped out by the article, but I do. I think it has something to do with the divorce - with the idea of VJ dating someone else. I know it’s inevitable, but at this point I still don’t want the divorce. I still feel cheated of the opportunity to reestablish our relationship after VJ finished he Ph.D. I feel cheated of the ability to make any choice of my own. I just feel cheated in general. It wracks me.

Wrack. That’s a strange word. And yet it was the most descriptive word I could find in the moment. Wracked implies torture - long, slow pain, jabbing in my chest like the aftermath of a punch, black, blue, and throbbing. The whole divorce has been a recovery from a painful, unguarded gut punch.