I’ve literally been thinking about both the blues and coding this evening. I’m going through some online coding stuff - another site - while I’ve been thinking about two jobs at Berklee I just applied for. The Berklee jobs have me thinking about music - about being around musicians all the time like I was while I was a student at Berklee. This, of course, has me thinking about the blues. At least that is what has me thinking about it now. It all started with Beazle and our discussion of Freddie King and Bessie Smith and how I think St. Louis Blues is a masterpiece song and Bessie is the goddess of it.

Actually, I’m having a hard time maintaining a flow of thoughts just now. I really am thinking about Berklee, I’m just having a hard time getting it down on the screen (I almost wrote, writing it down on paper). I guess it’s one of those things where I want to dream about it - working at Berklee would be ideal - but I really can’t afford to put that much energy into thinking about something that most likely won’t happen. The reality of doing a job search is that, for my own sanity, I have to treat every job application as if I know I won’t get it. I have gotten attached to a few applications and then felt the sting when I didn’t get it - or, more often, when I never hear back. In any event, it’s dangerous to dream.

At least in this case. This job search is tied up with my sense of self-worth, especially given that I spent so many years in school, ending up with fuck all for employment. A teaching gig at Berklee would be ideal. In fact, I really want both jobs, one teaching harmony and the other teaching history. I would be a pig in shit if that were to happen.

So now, this is the problem - I begin to think about a better situation - an ideal situation, in fact - and I begin to become invested in the idea. When it doesn’t come through - it seems to evade me, this get-a-job thing - it hurts. Nothing more to say than that. Nothing more is necessary. It just fucking hurts.